Hello, 2016.

I’m retracting the previous post based on the pure fact that you can always do better. Also don’t think there needs to be a reason attached to every thing you hope to accomplish and acquire. Definitely will be editing as I think of more as well.

As per the lovely Ella Ceron, be unfuckwithable. Don’t make any excuses about why you don’t want to make plans or eat at a certain place you don’t care for or not spend your precious vacation days somewhere you don’t have true wanderlust for.

Do more yoga. If my brand new, beautiful Jade mat doesn’t get used as much as it should, it’s a sin.

Do a no-buy for clothing. I spent way more than I’d care to admit between November and the day after Christmas. Where I’m purchasing from isn’t even fast fashion stores, which is even worse. They’re all pieces I love and don’t have multiples of already but still I don’t need them. Unsubscribe from all email shopping lists. If it’s absolutely needed, wait at least 48 hours before getting it.

Spend more on experiences. Christmas forced me to realize no matter how much I care about the holidays, family and friends may not be on the same level. Whether it’s by myself or with my boyfriend, I decided to not be in New York next Christmas. London, Paris, Tennessee, Costa Rica. Definitely considering a Four Christmases situation. Not even just that one example. Eating out and going to bars less to do more cool things. There’s concerts and events I’ve turned down because I didn’t budget properly and couldn’t attend. Hoping to never do that again. (Coachella 2017, fingers crossed.)

Try more foods. I’ll pretty much eat anything except salmon, avocado and tobiko. But it seems as when you put Daniel Boulud’s name on something, now I’ll have to eat it.

Forgive and forget toxic things and people. There’s people kept around for entertainment. For boredom. Out of pure laziness. I intend to edit down to people I genuinely care about. If we haven’t talked in years but like each others posts, what’s the point? It may be a handful or two of individuals but your energy can be focused and make stronger relationships that stick around.

Social media break. With the exception on writing more here (!!!) spending time on Instagram and Facebook is just a waste of time. It ties into dropping people and now I’ll actually have to call and text people I care about keeping in touch with.

Keep my car and house cleaner.

Put more effort and concentration into my job.

Do more art. Photography, painting, crafting.

Invest more time into knitting my blanket. 149 stitches. The death of me.

Move out. Yeah. This again.

Wake up earlier every day.

Go harder at workouts. Also try new and different ones. SoulCycle, pilates, kick boxing. Something has got to give with this weight plateau and I’ll figure out what that is if it’s the last damn thing I do. Also want to lose 30 more pounds, and be able to dead lift at least 130 pounds.

Spend more time alone. I enjoy my boyfriend’s company. Catching up with my two best friends is great. But I miss my free time alone and doing things to relax. I want to learn more about knitting and eventually begin and complete a blanket with the yarn I bought four months ago. Getting better at cooking is on this list, too. Asian dishes especially.

But no matter how much I relish time on my own, I absolutely want to and need to work harder at my relationship. We may have been together for a long time but it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re ready for anything huge.

Go here. Pay my $180 and spend 32 minutes of pure bliss with a baby tiger cub.

 

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Passage from Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

“As a child, I don’t remember ever telling Adora my favorite color, or what I’d like to name my daughter when I grew up.  I don’t think she ever knew my favorite dish, and I certainly never padded down to her room in the early-morning hours, teary from nightmares. I always feel sad for the girl that I was, because it never occurred to me that my mother might comfort me. She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. She tended to me. She administered me.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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Marjorie.

I leaned my elegance and what a woman should conventionally be from my grandmother.

My mother was never one to be up on womanly things; the current gossip or how to wear lipstick and have nice clothes. So I grew to love the second best thing. I came to her with my boy troubles, when I needed an outfit for school, when I wanted to get away from the confines of my own house for awhile.

The first perfume I wore came from her and it’s the muskiest Clinique ever got. The empty vial still sits in my jewelry box and the scent is vaguely still there. I never open it thinking that if that’s the last thing I have of her, it will always stay with me.

The most vivid childhood memories I have involved her.

My mom regularly worked two or three jobs and couldn’t keep a kid with her so she dropped me at Nana’s house.

I looked forward to going, knowing the television would be on and we would be cooking something more than frozen for dinner. (That was also the house that had Nintendo NES with all the games and a cat to play with, so those were added bonuses.)

Watching her bake and cook so precisely was something I couldn’t look away from, fearing I’d miss the one crucial step in a century old recipe from a far away Norwegian land I could only aspire to get to one day. Around the holidays, we would make traditional Krumkake. It’s a buttery, delicate cookie that breaks apart way too easily. The iron you use to make them more or less burns off your fingerprints. We would make whipped cream from scratch, of course. Not too sweet, all too fluffy. Just how she loved it.

I forget what movie exactly, but I think she took me to see Under The Tuscan Sun. At one point, one of the characters suffered a loss of some kind. Maybe a child, maybe a spouse.

She had recently lost her second husband so I guess she didn’t expect anything except laughs and ice cream when she spent a day with her granddaughter. I simply remember her breaking into tears, trying to hide it in the darkness surrounding us. And me being perfectly useless. Because how is a 14-year-old supposed to understand that? Losing the second true love you ever had, and the last you’ll possibly get.

I remember the first time I heard her curse. In a crowded public library nonetheless. “Those fucking people are horrible!” She was talking with my father about that years’ taxes and how they wanted to take the little bits of money she had just to get nothing in return. That broad was the toughest and taught me how to stand up for myself while keeping it completely classy and under wraps.

When she passes, some of my biggest regrets will also involve her. Not spending enough time with her after college. Myself assuming I was too busy to stop by after work. Not getting to know her life in the last few years. The thought of her not seeing my eventual wedding and being there absolutely crushes me.

But, I had her around in her best years, and for a few more current ones. That’s all I could ever ask for.

My favorite part of the day of that 4am twilight. The silence doesn’t compare to anything else. When the electric heating crackles on to start the day. I wish I was a morning person but I don’t think that will ever be.

Always Improving.

You know those girls that get ridiculed about changing their personalities and what they do when they meet a new guy? Having a sudden interest in football or sports cars. Dropping their friends to spend any available moment together.

I’m really happy I was one of them.

Before my current relationship, single or not, I was devoid of emotion and passion. There was never a want to enjoy everything going on around me, to make things happen. Knowing others knew how I felt inside by my appearance didn’t help much either.

And one day, I stopped the crying and remembered I’m still a person worth more than what others thought of her.

I can’t believe I was that person who sat around and wasted time instead of getting up and be thankful for the days ahead.

It also made me realize some people are toxic and it’s better to move on without them. I don’t have a large group of close friends but it’s really better that way. People you can depend on and that actually find what you say meaningful.

Sure, it may get lonely. But that solitude allows you to figure out who you really are. Enjoy the time spent with others and then work on yourself to love yourself.